When I first started this journey, I was a mess. Totally lost and really disappointed in the limited amount of help, resources, or direction I could find immediately. Not that there is a fool-proof step-by-step plan that works for everyone, but just a direction to stumble off into would have been helpful. There were plenty of articles on how I should hate him, how to leave, and why I was weak if I stayed. I respect those articles and opinions (including the ones directed at me), but it wasn’t what my heart was craving.
I promised I’d take my time to sort me out. I would get back to be happy with me – and then with my life. Hopefully my marriage would be intact too. No matter what, I wanted to maybe give some hope and help to others. Here’s my small start: How to survive your world falling apart (or at least how I am…):
1. Cry. I can’t stress this enough. Feel every emotion you need to, display it, go through it, and fully live it. This is a blow. A devastation. The ultimate hurt and betrayal – there is no denying that. Take a good day for 100% feelings and emotions. Whatever it is, whatever you need – even if its a good pity party. You’ll battle these feelings for quite awhile, but taking the time for them at the start was big for me.
2. Get professional help. Immediately. Do not wait. I did not start seeing a therapist until two months after D-Day. I tried to get in a bit sooner but the one best suited for me was booked. Regardless, I waited too long. You can say what you want, fall apart, and learn all about how you are not the only one. And, be gently nudged forward in your self-discovery and
3. Gather your team. Whatever you want to call them – tribe, gang, group, team…you’re going to need them. But choose wisely (as best as you can in the moment) because not everyone will be as on board to joining you on this journey as you hope. And that’s ok. You didn’t choose where you are, but you can now choose to lean on only those who are all in for you and your best interest. To start, my people were my minister, my best friend, and my lawyer. Someone to help my spirit, someone to hold me, and someone to help look out for me no matter what direction I decided to go in. You can grow your team as you see fit too – mine includes more friends, some family, a therapist, and a lot of you now!
4. Gather the facts. Yes. There are a ton of feelings and worries and questions. There will be for awhile. But, the fastest way to at least get some sort of footing in my experience was to get the facts. What are the absolute truths. For me? They literally looked like this: I make enough money I will be ok with the kids if I go. Don’t panic the money – get your own savings “just in case”. He is here with me. He has web filters and is in lots of therapy to make this stop. It might not work. But he is trying. I have friends. I have help. I have support. Jesus loves me. This will not kill me. Some days? I had a hard time believe the facts – but many days, reminding myself of the facts was enough to calm me down and help me get through the day. Even if I fell apart at bedtime.
5. Rush nothing. Now, obviously there are some situations when YES – you should run for the hills. FOR SURE. Making a major life decision is generally NOT a good move. Yes, there are exceptions – but give yourself time and grace to sort through your feelings, situation, options, and make any big changes. For me, I said I’d wait one year and see where I was personally before I made any changes. And I worked to making myself happy and trying to save my marriage. Because I DID want to. I wanted to stay all along, but I also wasn’t crazy enough to say I definitely would from day one. Heck, I don’t know if I’ll stay forever. Probably. I hope to. I WANT to, but anything close to this again is a deal breaker (because sometimes, you know it IS time to run).
This road is long. My list? Its not complete. Its not a checklist. Heck, I can’t even promise its any kind of “working” skeleton of a plan for you, but its what helped me get started and kept me going. Among other things.
You are NOT alone.