I feel like I’ve been far too quiet, but honestly, I just haven’t had much to say. I’m trapped in a cycle going through the feelings over and over again. The bad ones are a little less painful and often, but I don’t always feel like I have made great strides. Kind of thought I’d be further along in the healing at this point; but I’m better than where I started so I’m counting that as a win.
If you’re not on the mailing list for affairrecovery.com and if you haven’t attended their conference in person or online, I really recommend it. I’ve learned a lot and gotten through a lot. Still plenty to go though, which is where Rick Reynolds got me with today’s email: Affair Partners: Eight Reasons Not to Confront Them.
See, all I want to do is confront her. I literally want to drive to her house, knock on her door, and ask all the WTF questions that bounce around inside my head. Why him? Why us? Why lie? Why steal? How do you sleep at night? How can you be in a marriage where your husband pimps you out? How can you honestly tell your kids you’re a good person? Does your mom know what you do? How do you look at yourself in the mirror? What made you become a lying online prostitute? What made you stop? Are you sorry? Do you have regrets? Can I get my money back (or at least some)? Do you really think you’re going to ever escape your past? I could go on….pretty sure you get the idea.
So for the love of all things wonderful and Holy I was READY for the eight reasons to NOT contact. PLEASE visit affairrecovery.com or look up Rick Reynolds on YouTube for his full piece, but here are my takeaways from his points.
Affair partners lie. Uh, yeah. Duh. Why on Earth do I think I would get an honest answer? Or that I could trust the answer? Obviously, since she knew he was married and what she was doing, morals and ethics aren’t high on her list. Kind of should have seen this one coming.but it was helpful to see it in black and white.
How much info do you really want? I don’t know here. I feel like I don’t know or understand how this relationship developed still. I can’t tell you why wonder nags at me still, but it does. I also can’t tell you which specific piece of info would actually make me “better”. I wish I knew the kind of pics he sent, so I know how he hurt me. I wish I knew the words that were said so I know if I was being attacked. Did he say mean things about me? Is that how he feels? Or felt? Did she say mean things? Did he let her? It’s bad enough sharing himself with her…but did he AT LEAST love and respect me enough to not let her run me into the ground? Was I AT LEAST better than her in that regard? I struggle with wanting to know still. I can’t explain why. I think I’m still just trying to understand.
Talking to an affair partner is comparing apples to oranges. This hit me like a brick wall this morning. Yes. Its two different things. She is immoral, she has no ethics, she lies, she cheats, she steals, she must have psychopathic, narcissistic tendencies to even be able to get out of bed each day. Love, respect, safety, value, security – none of that is part of her life. It can’t be. Her self-esteem and ability to even take care of herself must be so low, I can’t even imagine. She may laugh at my husband’s actions being disrespectful toward me – but she has a husband who puts her private parts on display on the internet to make money. She doesn’t have a husband, she’s just legally tied to her pimp.
I, on the other hand, have a husband who made a serious mistake but is sorry and working on it. And yes, he was interacting with her but that’s one person, he wasn’t selling himself to the highest bidder. I have an education, an amazing career, and actually don’t NEED anyway to take care of me. No do I have to sell myself or do immoral things to pay the bills. I’m a respected member of my community and have nothing to hide. My children can be proud of me, my mom too. I am a law abiding, intelligent, strong, tax paying woman. I control my life, no one else does. I stay where I want and I leave when I want.
Vengeance doesn’t work. I like to think it would. See, his affair partner? Took our money, invested it in a scam online business and is now trying to “coach” entrepreneurs to be like her. She keeps leaving out the “do sex acts for strangers on the internet for money and steal money from families” step though. She presents herself as if her brains and hard, honest work got her where she is. ALL I WANT TO DO IS COMMENT WITH WHO SHE IS. Pictures. Links. The whole nine…I want people to know NOT to pay her to coach them, she’s a fraud. I want her to fail. I want her to find no success. I want her homeless, living in a ditch. But what’s that going to do for me? Doesn’t take away my pain. Doesn’t give me my money. Watching someone succeed when they’ve done everything wrong is hard.
Don’t gratify their hostility. She thinks she is better than me. I know this, she did tell me (I know…we shouldn’t have interacted, but we have). “He came to me willingly” is her favorite line. But, if I go after her? I justify her thoughts and the story she’s spinning in her head. It’s easy to be awful to an awful person – justifiable even. But to be awful to a good person for no reason? Way harder to justify.
Trying to get them to “get it” is futile. Getting them to admit/understand/see how everything they did is awful is impossible. She would have to admit to actually being a bad person. Human nature alone says that’s not happening – I’m certainly not the first wife to try to get through to her, so the odds of me being the one to actually open her eyes? Slim to none.
It tends to perpetuate the problem. I see that point. If you have a scab and you pick at it daily, it will take FOREVER to heal. I guess the same goes with this. If I pick at her or pick at him or pick my brain constantly…this won’t heal either. Not that it makes this any easier. I have NO IDEA how to stop the picking yet, but I see how it would be helpful. Any tips?
You are not lacking anything. I struggle here too. I get what he’s going for and I thank him. But seriously, SOMETHING about her triggered SOMETHING in him that NOTHING in me was. SOMETHING did. Maybe it was literally something as silly as her flat tummy and willingness to do repulsive things for strangers. I have had HIS kids so things aren’t as toned as I would like, but that’s not the end of the world. I struggle still looking for that thing. I know everyone says there’s NOTHING about me that makes this happen…but I still struggle accepting that. The best I can do is this: I know I am decent looking. Maybe not “internet prostitute” hot, but nothing to be ashamed of. I am a good person. Someone people look up to and reach out to for help. I can’t think of anyone who can honestly say their life is WORSE for having met me. She can’t say that.
There we go. I’m still here. Still struggling and fighting and in the trenches. Not much more to say right now, other than I hope you’re still here with me too. I’m still going to therapy, praying like mad he will go back. I’m still writing, reading, learning, and growing. Doing all I can to be my best me.